I guess it's hard for anybody to go through half of the stuff that I and my partner have been going through. I don't know... I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything (much less since anybody looked at anything I wrote). I guess I just have to wonder if anything I do matters anymore. With everything that has been happening, I've been left in tears and then have had to pretend nothing ever happened.
I think the worst part is that my moods have been all over the place. With this PCOS, I can't tell if the moods swings are the testosterone imbalance or the Bipolar Disorder... maybe both. I don't know, I guess I am just scared of everything going on. I haven't been myself in a long time, and even the way I am writing is starting to reflect that.
Once upon a time, I would have sounded super stiff. I used to imagine that people labeled me with a superiority complex every time they read anything I wrote, because it was worded so carefully. I used to work hard at not sounding dumb or frustrated, or like I just wanted to curl up and cry myself into oblivion. Lately, it's gotten so bad that even my exes have started to notice my confusion. So why, in all of this, is it hard to tell if my family even notices?
I know Mom worries about me. She lives so far away though, only coming back every few weeks, that I don't know if she really knows somethings wrong, or if she just fears that there might be. It's not like I talk to anybody besides my partner when they are here, so how could she really know? My dad probably should know... I mean, I don't spend a whole lot of time with him, but I do try to talk to him every now and then. He tries to talk to me too, but I'm not as close to him as I used to be... It really hurts that I'm not, because he used to be the parent that I always wanted to hang out with. He was funny (still is) and kept me entertained (still does), but I just don't feel close anymore. It's almost like we're both pulling away from each other, even though we're trying to spend more time together.
And then there's the matter of my partner moving away and me not being able to follow until December. What with him having POTS, I don't want to be away. I want to be there to comfort and care for him... I hate that we've been apart for only a week and I've already sunk into a depression. He has too, and that worries me more than anything. I can't take care of him while he's so far away.
Truth is, I'm really scared... but calling out for help hasn't done much... every time we get help, something else happens to throw us back into turmoil. I guess I'm just having a moment of stress because of all the stuff that has happened, and the fact that I'm getting less and less sleep... But I don't know... Everything is just getting scarier, and I'm not sure how much longer we can hold on.
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
The Hard Truth
Okay... So the last thing I ever wanted to have to admit is that I am not getting better at anything but my acting. My parents think i"m doing great, and I'm glad they do because I would hate for them to see me at my moments like this. What daughter ever thought she would have to look at her parents and say, "I'm sorry I've tried to kill myself"? The sad part isn't that I've attempted it, it's that I have attempted it several times. And I'm not getting better. I definitely improved when we put me on antidepressants, but they've stopped being so effective. More and more, I'm finding myself irrationally depressed and unable to reason properly. Why do I have to be like this now?
Blane puts up with it, but I know that it's hard for him to be with someone who is so psychotic and unpredictable. I don't even just feel depressed most of the time. The depression only lasts a moment, but the numbness can last anywhere from minutes to hours, sometimes even days.
Thinking back on my condition, I have to mention something from my psychology class that was said today. My teacher told us that those who are suicidal do not really want to die. They do not want to snuff out of existence and become nothingness. I can say now that this is not true. At least, it's not for me. I don't care if I snuff out and don't become anything. I don't really care about continuing on. The only reason I'm really even alive still is because I heard that little voice that told me to think about other people. I'm not alive for me. I'm alive because I know it will cause pain not only to Blane, but to my parents. It would cause pain to my family and friends, because they are selfless enough to blame themselves for my depression. I always selfishly put myself ahead of them, never wanting to listen to their problems, never getting over my own lack of feelings. The least I can do is not kill myself, right? I know that if I were really to become nothingness after death that there wouldn't be a reason for me to care, but my soul right now just doesn't want to hurt them. When I fade from this world and go wherever I go, I don't want anyone to be sad.
Blane puts up with it, but I know that it's hard for him to be with someone who is so psychotic and unpredictable. I don't even just feel depressed most of the time. The depression only lasts a moment, but the numbness can last anywhere from minutes to hours, sometimes even days.
Thinking back on my condition, I have to mention something from my psychology class that was said today. My teacher told us that those who are suicidal do not really want to die. They do not want to snuff out of existence and become nothingness. I can say now that this is not true. At least, it's not for me. I don't care if I snuff out and don't become anything. I don't really care about continuing on. The only reason I'm really even alive still is because I heard that little voice that told me to think about other people. I'm not alive for me. I'm alive because I know it will cause pain not only to Blane, but to my parents. It would cause pain to my family and friends, because they are selfless enough to blame themselves for my depression. I always selfishly put myself ahead of them, never wanting to listen to their problems, never getting over my own lack of feelings. The least I can do is not kill myself, right? I know that if I were really to become nothingness after death that there wouldn't be a reason for me to care, but my soul right now just doesn't want to hurt them. When I fade from this world and go wherever I go, I don't want anyone to be sad.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Don't go there.... Ever....
Alright.... So.... I'm not exactly the best at blogging, so I'm sorry if writing my thoughts down makes me a little stiff to your eyes. Umm.... Well.... So I guess I'll just write what I feel and go from there, okay?
So back in 8th grade, I had this boyfriend.... He was the world to me for a while (even when I did shit like punch him in the temple and tease him). After 8 months (almost an entire school year), I broke up with him 2 days before school went out for summer. Dick move, right? Well... Let me explain why.
E was a sweet boy... at first. In fact, for 6 months he was great.... Or so I thought. It took me a while to realize that alot of my friends were slowly ceasing to speak to me, spend time with me, or even go near my boyfriend. E was the kind of guy that my friends were apparently upset about me being with, because they could see he wasn't good for me. I had several tell me that, but I just couldn't believe it.
So, he became more possessive and more like an asshole, and eventually I couldn't stand him. I spent the last month of school trying to break up with him.... I just couldn't do it. I was getting called every day, and he was offended when I didn't answer. We lost contact, and I wasn't really sorry. I didn't want to hear his pain.
So we didn't talk until the end of ninth grade.... He called me exactly one year after I broke up with him.... I answered, we got to talking, and we spoke for another bit of time. We kept talking for a while, and then I went up to Idaho, as is customary of every summer. He called my house every day for a month, with my mom answering to tell him that I was gone, and yet he didn't get a clue until a few days before I came back home.
So we went to a Halloween dance together that sophmore year (once again I was talking to him), and we started talking and spending time together again.... But, he made a move on me, and I just couldn't stand a relationship again. I asked my parents, and they helped me block him from everything after he told me I was ruining his life and I told him to fuck off.
So now, after basically three years of abstinence from each other's presence, E has once again found me. We went out to lunch, and it ended unpleasantly.... We didn't argue, but some things happened that shouldn't have. He wants to be friends, but after Sunday, I just can't be sure that he won't try to take me back from my boyfriend, and I don't want to be back with him. What should I do? I seriously don't have an answer for that..... And I'm kinda scared of E.
My dad spoke to me tonight, and he mentioned how E has always been kinda stalkerish and possessive. What if he's right and E turns out to be as possessive and abusive as he used to be? What if he does something bad? What if he turns into a jackass or tries to hurt me. I don't know what to do, and I'm lost on it. I need help.
So back in 8th grade, I had this boyfriend.... He was the world to me for a while (even when I did shit like punch him in the temple and tease him). After 8 months (almost an entire school year), I broke up with him 2 days before school went out for summer. Dick move, right? Well... Let me explain why.
E was a sweet boy... at first. In fact, for 6 months he was great.... Or so I thought. It took me a while to realize that alot of my friends were slowly ceasing to speak to me, spend time with me, or even go near my boyfriend. E was the kind of guy that my friends were apparently upset about me being with, because they could see he wasn't good for me. I had several tell me that, but I just couldn't believe it.
So, he became more possessive and more like an asshole, and eventually I couldn't stand him. I spent the last month of school trying to break up with him.... I just couldn't do it. I was getting called every day, and he was offended when I didn't answer. We lost contact, and I wasn't really sorry. I didn't want to hear his pain.
So we didn't talk until the end of ninth grade.... He called me exactly one year after I broke up with him.... I answered, we got to talking, and we spoke for another bit of time. We kept talking for a while, and then I went up to Idaho, as is customary of every summer. He called my house every day for a month, with my mom answering to tell him that I was gone, and yet he didn't get a clue until a few days before I came back home.
So we went to a Halloween dance together that sophmore year (once again I was talking to him), and we started talking and spending time together again.... But, he made a move on me, and I just couldn't stand a relationship again. I asked my parents, and they helped me block him from everything after he told me I was ruining his life and I told him to fuck off.
So now, after basically three years of abstinence from each other's presence, E has once again found me. We went out to lunch, and it ended unpleasantly.... We didn't argue, but some things happened that shouldn't have. He wants to be friends, but after Sunday, I just can't be sure that he won't try to take me back from my boyfriend, and I don't want to be back with him. What should I do? I seriously don't have an answer for that..... And I'm kinda scared of E.
My dad spoke to me tonight, and he mentioned how E has always been kinda stalkerish and possessive. What if he's right and E turns out to be as possessive and abusive as he used to be? What if he does something bad? What if he turns into a jackass or tries to hurt me. I don't know what to do, and I'm lost on it. I need help.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)