I guess it's hard for anybody to go through half of the stuff that I and my partner have been going through. I don't know... I know it's been a really long time since I posted anything (much less since anybody looked at anything I wrote). I guess I just have to wonder if anything I do matters anymore. With everything that has been happening, I've been left in tears and then have had to pretend nothing ever happened.
I think the worst part is that my moods have been all over the place. With this PCOS, I can't tell if the moods swings are the testosterone imbalance or the Bipolar Disorder... maybe both. I don't know, I guess I am just scared of everything going on. I haven't been myself in a long time, and even the way I am writing is starting to reflect that.
Once upon a time, I would have sounded super stiff. I used to imagine that people labeled me with a superiority complex every time they read anything I wrote, because it was worded so carefully. I used to work hard at not sounding dumb or frustrated, or like I just wanted to curl up and cry myself into oblivion. Lately, it's gotten so bad that even my exes have started to notice my confusion. So why, in all of this, is it hard to tell if my family even notices?
I know Mom worries about me. She lives so far away though, only coming back every few weeks, that I don't know if she really knows somethings wrong, or if she just fears that there might be. It's not like I talk to anybody besides my partner when they are here, so how could she really know? My dad probably should know... I mean, I don't spend a whole lot of time with him, but I do try to talk to him every now and then. He tries to talk to me too, but I'm not as close to him as I used to be... It really hurts that I'm not, because he used to be the parent that I always wanted to hang out with. He was funny (still is) and kept me entertained (still does), but I just don't feel close anymore. It's almost like we're both pulling away from each other, even though we're trying to spend more time together.
And then there's the matter of my partner moving away and me not being able to follow until December. What with him having POTS, I don't want to be away. I want to be there to comfort and care for him... I hate that we've been apart for only a week and I've already sunk into a depression. He has too, and that worries me more than anything. I can't take care of him while he's so far away.
Truth is, I'm really scared... but calling out for help hasn't done much... every time we get help, something else happens to throw us back into turmoil. I guess I'm just having a moment of stress because of all the stuff that has happened, and the fact that I'm getting less and less sleep... But I don't know... Everything is just getting scarier, and I'm not sure how much longer we can hold on.
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