The Hard Truth

Okay... So the last thing I ever wanted to have to admit is that I am not getting better at anything but my acting. My parents think i"m doing great, and I'm glad they do because I would hate for them to see me at my moments like this.  What daughter ever thought she would have to look at her parents and say, "I'm sorry I've tried to kill myself"?  The sad part isn't that I've attempted it, it's that I have attempted it several times.  And I'm not getting better.  I definitely improved when we put me on antidepressants, but they've stopped being so effective.  More and more, I'm finding myself irrationally depressed and unable to reason properly.  Why do I have to be like this now?
Blane puts up with it, but I know that it's hard for him to be with someone who is so psychotic and unpredictable.  I don't even just feel depressed most of the time.  The depression only lasts a moment, but the numbness can last anywhere from minutes to hours, sometimes even days.
Thinking back on my condition, I have to mention something from my psychology class that was said today.  My teacher told us that those who are suicidal do not really want to die.  They do not want to snuff out of existence and become nothingness.  I can say now that this is not true.  At least, it's not for me.  I don't care if I snuff out and don't become anything.  I don't really care about continuing on.  The only reason I'm really even alive still is because I heard that little voice that told me to think about other people.  I'm not alive for me.  I'm alive because I know it will cause pain not only to Blane, but to my parents.  It would cause pain to my family and friends, because they are selfless enough to blame themselves for my depression.  I always selfishly put myself ahead of them, never wanting to listen to their problems, never getting over my own lack of feelings.  The least I can do is not kill myself, right?  I know that if I were really to become nothingness after death that there wouldn't be a reason for me to care, but my soul right now just doesn't want to hurt them.  When I fade from this world and go wherever I go, I don't want anyone to be sad.